So, GIRLS was alright first season. Ok, maybe it was even kind of cute. But with EVERYbody on the bandwagon now that the HBO hit has made its way to the common people it’s just so…well, last year, right? Unfortunately, it’s hip as #$%^ and none of us wants to be caught with our skinny jeans down when that cool girl at work asks what we think about Shosh and Ray (too cute, we’ve all dated him right?) or if we’d do it with our best friend’s gay ex-boyfriend (totes). Which is why the Shirley’s Temple staff has come up with a cocktail-worthy compromise: GIRLS Hate-Watching Party! We know, right?! And here are 5 ways to make yours the BEST ever!
1) Create an Ironic Facebook Invite
Your event name should totally be serious, like you’re actually really excited for Sunday, but the description should reveal all the gory snarkyness that will characterize the event. There’s nothing your GIRLS-hating friends will love more than a little tease showing up in their feed. Think how delighted they’ll be to discover you’re as judgmental as they are!
2) Squeal and Hug Your Guests When They Arrive
Not in the way you usually do it, like in the way Hanna and Marnie do it on the show, because it’s totally different. Totally. Then roll your eyes really big and gag super loud like you’re 14 and your mom just told you to respect your grandmother.
3) Offer GIRLS Themed Refreshments
Nothing says hate party more than the literal ingestion of irony. Here’s a few ideas from the Shirley’s Temple Bar (we miss study abroad in Dublin too #IrishBoys):
To Drink: the Shoshtail, a lovely concoction of vodka, peach nectar, and a splash of lemon juice, finished with a rim of crushed Ritalin.
To Eat: Tity Cakes, the more lopsided the better. We suggest the hostess sample a few Shoshtails before baking these banana flavored treats frosted in the image of Hanna/Dunham’s bizarrely shaped breasts.
To Snort: Cocaine or Heroin, depending on whether you’re a Hanna or a Jessa (for more information, check out our questionnaire on pg. 278, “Hey GIRLS: Are you a Hanna, a Jessa, or a Shoshana (because no one will admit they’re a Marnie)?”)
To Mix It Up: take a drink every time Shosh says something quirky, eat a cupcake every time you see Hanna’s tits (go easy Lena), and snort something whenever, you’ll have a much better time in general.
4) Role Play as “True” Fans
There are many ways you can do this, however, we suggest endlessly discussing how much weight Marnie has lost since Season 1 and how much better she looked before. Like true fans, this will allow you to show how much you really support your “curvier” friends, while endlessly fat-bashing Lena Dunham.
5) Live Tweet That Thang
Nothing says you’re culturally present quite like the distraction of social media. Just be careful, you want people to be aware that you’re ironically responding to the episode every 34 seconds. Hashtags. Are. Vital. We suggest the following ironic tags: #lol, #thingsgirlssay, #amihipsternow, #foodporn, #ifitwasjustinbeiber
Etiquette Note: What To Do If Someone Laughs Genuinely
There’s not really much you can do but resist the urge to publicly shame them. Be a good hostess and tell everyone that she must just be sloshed on Shoshtails and then quickly make her another. Don’t let a little thing like generosity spoil a good hate party.
XOXO from the Shirley’s Temple Party Planning Bitches and its Queen Bitch Erin Zimmerman