DENVER — Another Apocalypse has come and gone and local resident Brandon Hoeff has failed to find a willing sex partner for the third consecutive time. Early Friday morning marked the third End of Days prediction in recent memory where the world has been supposed to end and Hoeff, 33, went out in search of last-minute sex and found none. Even the mortal threat of life as we know it ending has not convinced a single female to go home and at least be manually stimulated by Hoeff on his couch.
On December 20th, the day before the Mayan calendar expired, Hoeff attended a Last Night on Earth party at The Blake Street Tavern. Though many women at the bar reportedly wanted to enjoy a strong masculine embrace one last time before earth’s crust split open and the beasts of hell poured out they did not want that embrace to be Hoeff’s. Instead he got Taco John’s and fell asleep watching Deep Impact on Showtime.
“He’s really hit a dry spell these past few Apocalypses,” says friend Dave Kielty. “I think there’s another one coming up in May of 2013. Maybe he can get out of his slump then.”
Hoeff’s Doomsday rut dates back to September 9th, 2008, the day before Swiss particle physicists activated the Large Hadron Collider that was supposed to create a black hole that would eat the planet. That night Hoeff came home from a nightclub alone and burned a frozen pizza.
Then on May 20th, 2011, the day before radio evangelist Harold Camping predicted the Biblical Rapture would occur, Hoeff spent over $200 on vodka cranberries and Hall and Oates jukebox plays for multiple women but failed to bed any of them.
Cole Moser is a freelance Rapture sexpert who has written for Jezebel.com and The Cleveland Plane Dealer.