Will New York and Los Angeles Just Do It and Get It Over With Already?


LOS ANGELES – Reports out of both New York and Los Angeles are suggesting that the two cities, long considered rivals and thought not to like each other despite, like, lots and lots of similarities, should finally just do what has been obvious to many objective observers for some time and just fuck each other’s brains out.

Some pundits have speculated that the consummation of a relationship that has been gossiped about for several decades would be more of a “hate-fuck” scenario, where others have projected more of a Harry/Sally meeting. Most sources close to both seem to agree, however, that the sexual tension between the two major metropolitan areas is as palpable as Bayou afternoon air in August.

Chicago, who has often found itself caught in the middle of the two global centers of culture and commerce, said about the situation “is bound to erupt sometime. Who knows what it’s going to take – a really fun house party, a birthday party for an age ending in 5 or 0, the death of a parent or the collapse of a stock market – but mark my words – something is going to go down between these two towns.”  

Said Philadelphia, who’s reputed to be close to New York, “They spend way to much time bitching about how irritating the other city is to not have to hump out their differences at some point.”

When pressed for comment about Los angeles, New York is quoted as saying “I have no opinion about that shallow, stuck up, sprawling collection of pseudo-cities.” This prompted LA to release a statement to the press reading only “Super. Rude.”

Reporting by David Sharp, Senior Relationships and Geopolitics Editor

Photo courtesy of Alexis Birkill