LOS ANGELES – Omnipotent creator of life God is dead this morning, according to religious authorities. The deity was 6,000 years old.
“We last heard from God in 2009 but after recent mass shootings, one involving schoolchildren in Connecticut, we are sure He’s dead,” said leading theologian Dr. Stanley Hauerwas of the Duke University School of Divinity.
“There is simply no way He would let these things slide,” said Graham Ward, Canon of Christ Church in Oxford, UK. “He is definitely gone. We’re on our own here and we should start coming to terms with that.”
God had a sometimes strained relationship with humanity, His proudest creation. There had been episodes throughout the centuries where both had turned their backs on one another. It appears there will be no reconciliation this time as Yahweh has perished.
Pope Benedict XVI, leader of the Catholic Church who claimed a direct relationship with God, was hesitant to acknowledge the death at a Vatican press conference Monday morning.
“While I have not been able to contact Him recently, I’m not certain that He is dead,” said the Pope. “So please, Africa, do not start using condoms.”
No word yet on whom quarterbacks and black entertainers will attribute their success to now.
Cole Moser is Senior Pessimist for The Whiskey Journal.