WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what scientists are calling a first ever of its kind, a man invited a woman over to watch a movie with no ulterior motives yesterday, the National Academy of Sciences announced.
“For years we’ve seen the movie ploy used in the wild, an attempt to lure unsuspecting females over to an apartment or dorm room of a male,” said Dr. Emily Jessernick, the academy’s director of psychology, at a hastily scheduled press conference. “But what we witnessed yesterday changes everything we know about human interaction.”
Jessernick described how a male human being, Fred Daniels, 24, invited female human being, Wendy Jeffers, 22, over to his apartment to watch the Wes Anderson movie “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.” As most psychologists know, Jessernick said, since the 1996 release of “Bottle Rocket,” Wes Anderson films have been used by men to trick women into thinking they’re cooler than they really are.
But instead, Jessernick said, Daniels merely enjoyed the company of Jeffers on an opposite side of the couch, without attempting to find a reason to sit in the middle and perhaps start a tickle fight.
Even more incredibly, scientists noted that following a short discussion about what the two liked and disliked about the movie, Daniels walked Jeffers to her car, gave her only a hug and said he would actually call her the following day.
Because this was the first time this was seen in the wild, Jessernick stressed, it’s too early to speculate what this could mean for the human species. Scientists speculated Daniels could be asexual, or perhaps he isn’t into women.
“Or maybe,” Jessernick said, “he’s just not an awful, awful human being.”
By Andy Boyle, Lincoln Park bureau chief and beard spokesman