HOLLYWOOD, CA – HBO announced today that they will be cancelling their hit series, “Boardwalk Empire,” after discovering that the entire cast was diagnosed with lung cancer. “Boardwalk” is a prohibition-era drama that airs Sunday nights on the Home Box Office network and is currently in the midst of its third season. While making the show, the producers wanted to portray things as realistically as possible and in their efforts to do so, almost every scene displays a character either drinking liquor or smoking cigarettes in excess, as was common during these times. While the liquor used on set is fake, the cigarettes are very real.
So real in fact that the excessive smoking has now created a perpetual cloud of secondhand smoke that has been lingering on the set and has left every cast member fatally ill. The smoke cloud has left scientists baffled. Jordan Calvert, a scientist at MESA Air and expert on air pollution warned, “This is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. They have created a sort of black hole of lung cancer. We don’t know how to handle it.” Maggie Simmons, who played an unaccredited walk-on part in Season 1, Episode 3, had this to say after discovering she too had lung cancer, “I don’t understand. I was on set for literally five minutes. I didn’t even have a speaking part. What the fuck.”
When asked for comments, executive producer, Martin Scorsese, who is never one to shy from commentary, was unable to comment as his throat is now paralyzed. “They were much different times back then and we just wanted people to realize how far we’ve come as a society,” said show creator, Terence Winter, who now has stage 3 Lymphoma. He added, “Now I don’t know what to do; my world is crumbling. I haven’t even told my wife yet. I have kids; I have a dog.” When asked for his thoughts on the matter, Steve Buscemi, who plays the shows protagonist, Enoch Thompson, and has smoked a staggering number of cigarettes since taking on the role, groaned, “Pain…so much pain…please make it stop…”
This development has left the Home Box Office network in shambles. HBO President, Len Amato, said, “This is unbelievable. We were making so much money off that show. Now what can we do? Maybe bring back “Entourage”? Or give “Carnivale” another try? Anybody remember that show? It was pretty good.” Despite the terrible news, most fans of “Boardwalk” say that they do not hold HBO accountable, and most have unanimously stated that they are just looking forward to season 3 of “Game of Thrones,” which airs March 31st, 2013.
Written by Mike Bober
Twitter – @mikebobercomedy