NARBERTH, PA—While former Republicrat Sen. Arlen Specter (PA) quietly slipped away at his family home on Sunday afternoon, Professional Austrian and skydiver Felix Baumgartner made a record-breaking jump from a balloon 24 miles above the earth. Today, it was revealed that Specter’s funeral wishes included having his casket make a record-breaking drop from a balloon 24 miles above the earth. The casket, sponsored by Ensure, would then explode upon impact with the Capital steps, showering overwrought aides with confetti made from shredded pages of the 2010 Stimulus Package. Finally, the shattered coffin and confetti would reveal an urn from Things Remembered engraved with the words “Best. Senator. Ever.” and which had contained his cremated body all along. In a hand-written post-it, on which Specter described the stunt in detail, the word “epic” was used nine times. Specter’s grandson, 14 year-old skater and douche-enthusiast, Taylor-Thomas, is said to be crushed by the news. A respectful ceremony was held yesterday in lieu of an epic one.
Specter’s Casket was still hip as shit.
by Erin Zimmerman, ace reporter and funeral watcher