CHICAGO, Illi.—Late Tuesday night, police answered a domestic violence call in the Lakeview neighborhood. Two women, sisters Jenji Johansson Kopinski, a magnet school science teacher, and Kat Johansson, a bookstore clerk and avid tweeter, were found locked in a physical altercation spurred by an argument at a dinner party. Police arrived at Kopinski’s residence to discover her attempting to choke Johansson with a Seared Tofu Steak in a Pomegranate-Lime Marinade. Apparently, Johannson initiated the altercation by confessing that she was in fact not vegan nor had she been at any time in the last three and a half years in which she claimed the lifestyle.
According to Johansson, she attempted Kopinski’s first course of Kale Latkes, then decided to confess her lived lie before the Tempeh BBQ Sliders were served, “I just took one look at the Miso Cauliflower Coleslaw and I knew I couldn’t maintain the ruse any longer.” Johansson defended herself, saying, “It wasn’t all a lie. I totally was vegan for, like, at least two weeks and then I just…got bored.” When asked why she maintained the lie for so long, Johansson responded, “Well, I was dating this guy who was vegan kind of and then we broke up and, I don’t know, I just think I’m the kind of person that should be vegan but, I mean, I don’t know, I really love cheese.”
Kopinski gave a brief statement between hits from a recycled brown paper bag: “I can’t fucking believe it! Do you know how many pounds of tofu I’ve cooked for that b—? How many extra pans I’ve washed so there’d be no ‘cross-contamination?’ How many Taste tents we’ve skipped ‘in solidarity?!’” Kopinski then dissolved into incoherent swearing before recovering momentarily to admit: “I mean, ok, since I’ve been cooking vegan for her I’ve lost 15 pounds, my skin’s cleared up, and my hair’s like a Pantene commercial, but fuck! Who does that?!” Kopinski was finally given and oxygen mask and removed by paramedics, leaving her spouse Jeff Kopinski, who called police, to pronounce the final word on the night’s proceedings. He stated: “Yeah. I don’t know. Sisters man.”
UPDATE: Kopinski will be holding an alley sale this Saturday to raise money for her newly founded organization PAPETA (People Against People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). She will be selling off her sizable collection of vegan cookbooks, non-contaminated cookware, and bulk portions of nutritional yeast, coconut oil, and Himalayan salt. Please contact FUKAT@gmail.com for more information.
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