Rasheed Wallace Joins the New York Knicks Against Their Wishes


             “I’m a Knick now!” Rasheed Wallace exclaimed at a press conference that he called to announce that he will be coming out of retirement and joining the squad that was bounced from the playoffs last year by eventual champs Miami. No representatives for the Knicks were on hand.

             “I was always a fan of Rasheed’s” said Knicks coach Mike Woodson, who was a coach of Wallace’s on the 2004 Pistons championship team, “But hasn’t he been out of basketball for like the last two years? Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t he suck that last year?” No one corrected him. “On the other hand, last year we did have some problems with not chucking up enough line drive threes with 20 seconds left on the shot clock, and Rasheed can add depth to our already strong technical fouling game… But even still, I have not been contacted about the possibility of Rasheed joining the team, and I’m fairly certain our roster is currently full of actual NBA players.”

             “Nope, I’m totally a Knick now, don’t even worry about it,” said Wallace after being told about Woodson’s comments. “I’ve been working out in Hakeem Olajuwon’s practice facilities, preparing myself mentally and physically for the grind of the NBA season,” said Wallace. “What the fuck?” said Olajuwon, the legendary center who now coaches big men in his private facility in Houston, “I’d heard there had been some break ins, but we never found anything other than a few stray headbands, and, once, an afro pick.”

             Wallace was last seen drinking a Bud Light tallboy in the parking lot of Madison Square garden, practicing his referee report by screaming at pigeons. “Look out New York, ‘Sheed is back – whether you like it or not!” he was overheard yelling into the empty night sky.


Wallace, giving an interview at the YMCA where he has been practicing and living.

Reporting by David Sharp, senior Sports and Human Tragedies reporter.

Twitter: @DavidAndSharp