17-Year-Old Olympic Gymnast Announces Retirement, To be Bred for Seven Years, Then Put Down


It was announced on Wednesday that seventeen-year-old Russian Olympic gymnast, Aliya Mustafina,will retire after these last London Olympics. The announcement was made at the Dobro Pozhalovat’ Domoj Olimpijcy: Nekotorye Iz Vas Ne Razocharovyvali Nas, which translates to “Welcome Home Olympians, Some of You Did Not Disappoint Us”. This banquet takes place after every Olympics once the last athlete feels he, or she, has received ample attention.

Mustafina’s announcement did not come as much of a surprise, as she is well into her golden years. In gymnast years, the often-problematic athlete is estimated to be between 66 and 70 years old. Throughout her long career, beginning as a junior gymnast back in 2007, she has accumulated an impressive amount of accolades. In London, she was the most decorated gymnast of the Olympics, male or female.

Mustafina was taken from the podium, which she stood next to while her coach, Alexander Alexandrov, announced her retirement, directly to a compound in Iceland where she will reside for the next seven years. While she is there, she will be given fertility drugs and expected to birth nine children. Although not every gymnast retires to this compound, it is not uncommon.

Mustafina will be bred with Paul and Morgan Hamm, who have been chosen specifically for the diva to attempt to “breed some of the bitch out of her,” says Alexandrov. Insemination will be done using a technique called the swirl. Semen will be collected from both of the brothers, then mixed together with a small blender called The Magic Bullet. The cocktail has come to be known as Jambone, which is a play on jambon being French for ham, and bone being a euphemism for erection. Once the Jambone is made, it will be sprayed around Mustafina’s eggs with a turkey baster.                                                                    

After the seven years, Mustafina will be shipped back to Russia on a cargo ocean liner, and then euthanized. Her body will go into a mausoleum, which houses past Russian Olympians. Her yield will hopefully produce a more-finely-tuned gymnast Russians can be proud of in the near future. 

by: Ross Kelly – Third-Generation Junior Sports Reporter

Follow Ross @stupidrosskelly