NEW YORK — Open mikers across the country are reeling today after the announcement that the low-hanging fruit that is Jersey Shore has finally been plucked from the MTV lineup. The television show, an intellectually catatonic “reality” program that has become a frequent premise, punchline, tag, and target of pseudo-rants about the state of humanity, won’t be there to get kicked around anymore by those performing at open mics, bringer shows, and pay-to-play showcases,
“But I’d just started to get my tight ten together!” wailed Mario Benedetto while waiting to see if he was chosen in the lottery at Los Angeles’ Meltdown Comics, “It all hinged on my ‘Snooki Monster’ closer, where I do the cookie monster voice, but pretend to blow a bunch of dudes and then vomit in a hot tub… Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? That was my tight ten! MY TIGHT TEN!”
An impromptu vigil sprang up in the parking lot outside Zanie’s in Chicago, where would-be comics usually just smoke and bitch about more successful comedians. The usually crass group began lighting candles, singing religious hymns, and leaving set lists and notebook pages inscribed with nonsense phrases like “Mike the Situation Room,” “Teriyaki Beef Jersey,” and “Jaeger => Drunk BJ => Chocolate Milk => Ouroboros.”
Other comedians were less reverential while gazing into the maw of crisis. “I don’t give a shit,” said Longhorn, an African-American cowboy comedian and staple of the St. Louis scene, “I’m just gonna keep tellin’ my Snookums jokes. I’m still tellin’ my “OxyClean isn’t the only white powder Billy Mays loves” joke, and he’s been dead for three years.”
Bobby Moynihan, the actor that portrays Snooki on SNL and the best-known open mic comedian in the county, didn’t have a comment for the press, though Whiskey Journal cameras did video tape him through his bathroom window as he smeared orange grease paint on his face and keened.
Known for being delusionally resolute, most open mikers have pledged to bravely soldier on. “Not since George W. Bush left office have we faced a tragedy on this scale,” said Doyle Hargrove, a 19-year veteran of the New York open mic circuit whose career zenith was opening for Harland Williams in 1995. “We thought it was the end then, just like we thought it was the end when Clinton left. But we will keep hacking away. And hey – at least we’ve still got Teen Mom and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”
Reporter David Sharp performs regularly at open mics in Los Angeles and is well aware of the multiple ironies contained within this article.