PALM BEACH, Flor. — In a press conference today the man known as “Rush Limbaugh” admitted that he is not in fact the person that he has claimed to be for the last 45 years, but is instead Uwe Otto Müller, a German performance artist who has been presumed dead since he disappeared from his home in Bern in 1966.
Müller, who is in fact 12 years older than he claimed to be as Limbaugh (explaining, some say, his massive bloat and hideous visage) began the press conference using the voice that has become infamous across America for spewing his particular brand of conservative-minded, insanity-flecked rhetoric, saying “Dear people of America, the time has come that I reveal myself,” at which point he dropped the cartoonish whine that he has adopted to play this roll of a lifetime, and began speaking in his “true” voice, a thickly accented rumble that poured out of his chest like he was a German Sam Elliott.
“When I began this piece, I intended it as a satire of America and their foppish media,” Müller said. “It was an attempt to expose how vulnerable our psyches have become, like porous sea sponges that cannot move themselves but can only absorb what swirls around them… I did not expect it to be so easy. With every step on the way I expected to be found out – “Surely,” I would think, “No human could be so unaware of the reality that surrounds him or herself that they could take this imbecilic caricature to be a real person. With every advancement in the “career” of this “person” I felt a mixture of excitement for the success of my project and a profound sadness for the decrepitude of the human soul. I had never fathomed it could go this far.”
World-renowned performance artist Marina Abromovic called his work “Truly one of the great masterpieces of human artistic achievement,” in a statement that she released to the press painted on the shell of a giant tortoise. “What Uwe has created is a duration piece of remarkable, agonizing length. This is nothing that I could imagine putting myself through, and I’ve brushed my hair until my scalp bled, carved shapes into my flesh, induced conniption fits, and had sex with Ulay. Herr Müller is the Art-Christ.”
Müller stated that the reason he finally gave up the project was that he could, “no longer in good conscience continue this ruse. The more that I reflected on the consequences of my words, the real damages that I was inflicting on our shared earth, the more dissonance I began to feel about my actions. I did not dream that it could come to this. I was swept up into the gears of my own machine. I apologize to all residents of this earth for any pain that I have caused. This has ceased to be a satire, and has become instead the most tragic tale ever told on this earth.” Müller then added, “I mean, I named my character “Rush.” Rush. Really? Rush? You really thought there was a person named Rush?”
There has been speculation that “Limbaugh” was a fraud at various different times throughout his time in the spotlight, such as in 1987, when he claimed “Feminism was established in order to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society,” or in 1990 when he recalled telling a black radio caller to “take the bone out of his nose” or in 1993 when he called 13 year old Chelsea Clinton “The White House Dog,” or 1994 when he said that “It has not been proven that nicotine is addictive,” or 2005 when he called immigrants an “Invasive species,” or 2006 when he accused actor Michael J. Fox of “Exaggerating the affects of [Parkinson’s],” or 2007 when he said that the NFL “Looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips,” or 2008 when he sang “Barack the Magic Negro” to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon,” or 2009 when he claimed “The black frame of mind is terrible,” or 2010 when he called the National Organization for Women “A bunch of whores for liberalism,” or 2011 when he described Chinese leader Hu Jintao as “just going “Ching cha. Ching chang cho chow. Cha Chow. Ching Cho. Chi ba ba ba. Kwo kwa kwa kee. Cha ga ga. Ching chee chay. Ching zha bo ba. Chang cha. Chang cho chi che. Cha dee. Ooooh chee bada ba. Jee jee cho ba [sic],” or claimed that President Obama “wanted to take all the white people’s farms,” or earlier this year when he called a law student a “slut” and a “prostitute” and then opined that “If we’re going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”
“Oh yeah – I see it now” said a reasonable human being.
Reporting by David Sharp.