3 Fictional Characters That Represent The Boyfriend I Should Have Been, Julia


Guest blog by Frank Cozza

1.  Westley, The Princess Bride


This is pretty much the perfect guy. Smart, strong, handsome, brave, and always motivated by true love instead of by his mom nagging him to mow the lawn if he’s going to be home all afternoon anyway. Gee I wonder how he got so great OH WAIT I KNOW it’s because he’s a character in a FAIRY TALE, Julia. A fairy tale! You think anyone in Guilder cares how much time the Dread Pirate Roberts spends looking at porn? If you ask me, Julia, here in the real world I think you could do a lot worse than a guy who emptied out the trash from his car AND sprayed it with a bunch of Febreze at my mom’s suggestion AND picked up the tab at Cheesecake Factory–even after you ordered a third Typhoon Punch! And I didn’t even demand a blowjob afterwards. Out of love! Because I could tell you were still upset after arguing about Colin Kaepernick.

2.  Kalaron Elsinthar, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim


I suppose this name doesn’t mean anything to you, Julia, because you were always so dismissive about gaming being an activity for teenagers instead of a guy in his mid-30s. But if you’d look past your harsh judgments, you would see a powerful Altmer (High Elf) Mage with impressive Magicka and Stamina scores who won the heart of the hottest NPC babe in the game, Ysolda of Whiterun. When Ysolda asked for a mammoth tusk, Karalon died in battle over and over until he finally got her that mammoth tusk. It taught me a lot about persistence. That’s why I’m not ready to give up on us yet.

3.  Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver


As you know, this is my favorite movie. I’ve seen it dozens of times, so I’m well qualified to say that the morons on IMDb have it all wrong about Travis. Sure, he has some issues, like we all do–who among us hasn’t made plans to assassinate a US senator? But his heart is pure, and he is motivated by love just like Westley. After he heroically rescues Iris, he returns to his normal life and everything’s fine. That’s all I want to do, just return to how things were, but with the knowledge that I can do better.

I can be your Travis Bickle, Julia. And your Westley and your Karalon Elsinthar too. I’ll even put on clean sheets before you come over. Give me another shot.

Frank Scozza is going to get that toenail looked at first thing next week.

Images by 20th Century Fox, wikimediaRichard MasonerJohn Lester, and D.C.Atty.