Paul Ryan Declines VP Nomination, Joins Jets Coaching Staff

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NEW YORK — U.S. Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) has reportedly declined Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s offer to run as his Vice President, and will instead accept older brother Rex’s offer to join the New York Jets coaching staff as the defensive line coach. In a prepared statement to the press, Ryan is quoted as saying: “I look forward to the chance to be a part of a winning team this season. I know that I have my work cut out for me here, * but trust me, whatever happens, it’ll be a hell of a lot better than getting my teeth kicked in by Barack Obama in the November elections.”

Rex Ryan was excited as he addressed the media Sunday, saying “Well I’m just as pleased as punch to have lil’ Pauley joining our staff. Sure, he’s a scrawny cuss, but don’t let that fool you – he really knows the ins and outs of a defense. He was raised a Ryan – it’s in his blood.” [Middle brother Rob is defensive coordinator for the Cowboys, and father Buddy was a longtime NFL coach.] “Besides,” added Rex, “I just don’t think I could watch him go through that – the lying, the weaseling, the promises to oppress – only to be humiliated in November. I don’t want to see the Ryan family name tarnished with that bulls**t. Our family is about winning, not about getting humiliated in front of the country and the world.” Older sister Meg could not be reached for comment.

When pressed for comment, a visibly shaken Romney said, “My heart hurts a little today. As a child of privilege, I’m used to getting my way. Frankly, being told “no” by someone as beneath me as Paul Ryan has shaken my world concept… I’m going to go fire some people until I feel powerful again.” Romney then stalked away, pausing only to kick the walker out from under an elderly woman that was blocking the exit, and take the tootsie roll pop from a toddler that was gazing at him with adoration. The current Las Vegas over/under for Jets wins this season is at eight, which, in the words of the Jets’ new defensive line coach, is “Eight more victories than I would have if I stuck with that hollowed-out slab of marble in a hairpiece.”

*The Jets have been plagued by infighting this preseason; see WJ article 11.3: “Santonio to Rex: ‘No I Will Not Share My Toys With the Other Wide Receivers.’”

Reporting by David Sharp. Twitter: @DavidAndSharp