Olympics Ask NBC to “Shut The Fuck Up Already”

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LONDON – Olympic governing body said it had asked London Games’ organizers to tell American broadcaster NBC to “shut the fuck up already” with its commentary.

NBC, a sensitive, sad unit of Comcast Corp, held it’s head low afterwards and mumbled under it’s breath “whatever”.  

“NBC commentators are trying.  They really are.  The problem is, when Americans don’t win, we don’t really give a shit,” said NBC commentator Tim Daggett.   

NBC has paid $4.4 billion for the U.S. rights to the next four Olympics through 2020 and has attracted big audiences to tune in for the London Games by tape-delaying marquee events to air in the evening, maximizing viewers, advertising dollars and completely taking advantage of everyone’s patriotism.

NBC Sports Group Chairman Mark Lazarus said last week that the London Games’ tape-delayed prime-time ratings had topped the live prime-time ratings for the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

Lazarus said NBC, which at one point stood to lose $200 million on the event, were “doing the Olympics’ a favor”.

U.S. media has a strong reputation of being overly annoying and needy.  NBC plans on finding any and every hardship of all the participating athletes in the Olympics and playing sad music while they explain who they are winning their Gold Medal.   

“We’ll get to sports, when we get to sports,” said veteran commentator Bob Costas, “in the mean time, here are 7 really sad stories about why you should care about these American athletes.  If they don’t do well in their event, we promise to call them fat and lazy.”

Written by Kyle Scanlan

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