ELECTION REPORT: Nation’s Christian Bigots Uncertain Who To Vote Against


WASHINGTON D.C. — According to a recent Reuters poll of bigoted Christian-Americans, America’s hate mongers are having a difficult time deciding which presidential candidate they should monger more hate for. The poll, which included a representative sampling of Racist Christian-Americans, Zealot Christian-Americans, and Xenophobic Christian-Americans, shows very similar levels of disdain for both African-American Barack Obama and Mormon-American Mitt Romney.

“I like that Romney claims to believe in Jesus, God, and all that,” said Trett Alberts, a Racist-Zealot Christian-American, “But I don’t cotton to just adding your own books to the Bible all willy-nilly. That said, I just can’t see myself voting for a[n African-American] neither [sic]. I’ve got some hate-searching to do.” Other Intolerant-Americans added similar sentiments, such as this Twitter post from @HatesErrbody: “Still gots [sic] my “U [sic] Can Keep Yer [sic] Change” posters from ’08, but man I hates [sic] me some mormans [sic] to [sic]…”

So far the Hates-African-Americans-More camp holds a slight edge over the Hates-Mormans-More side of the debate, though it is difficult to discern if that is a true bigotry-based hatred, or if it has more to do with Obama’s policies of helping the poor, loving everybody, and providing care to the sick and elderly. When reached for comment, President of Christianity J.H. Christ said only “They don’t get it. They just. Don’t. Get it. I don’t know how to make my message of love and acceptance any clearer, but these dumb fucks truly just do not comprehend one word of my book.” Mr. Christ then let out a long, defeated sigh, and left to “go get some FroYo [sic] or something,” adding only, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuhk.”

Reporting by David Sharp Twitter: @DavidAndSharp