PROVO, Utah — The National Association of Geological Scientists released their annual Geological report on Monday, and the most notable and controversial conclusion found in the report is that the state of Utah is geologically very similar to Colorado, but not nearly as cool. Both states have arid climates, unique terrains and wildlife, and breathtaking views of the Rocky Mountains. Colorado, however, has been found to have more professional sports teams, more kick-ass concert venues, and fewer incidents of Mormons sucking the fun out of everything around them.
“Yes, it is true that in addition to sharing the majestic Rocky mountains, Utah and Colorado both have a professional basketball team, but Colorado also has a football team, a baseball team, and even a hockey team,” reported Dr. Stan Vanderslice, President of NAGS, “plus, Fiddler’s Green and Red Rocks are two of the top concert venues in the country, and in Colorado I don’t have to pretend that Mormons aren’t batshit crazy. Oh yeah – and it’s way, way easier for me to score some grass there.”
Other findings from the report include the begrudging admission that California and Hawaii are as awesome as everybody says, Virginia is geologically inferior but culturally superior to West Virginia, and Kansas and Nebraska were found to be equally shitty.
Reporting by David Sharp.