NCAA Gives Penn State $60 Million Fine And Permanent Ban On Kid Fucking

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INDIANAPOLIS — The NCAA announced significant penalties against Penn State and its football program Monday, including a $60 million fine and a permanent ban on kid fucking, in the wake of the child sexual abuse scandal involving the former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

The NCAA stopped just short of shutting down Penn State’s program, but officials insisted that the significance of the penalties were nearly as debilitating.

“When you take away our right to have sex with little boys and cover it up, you take away our purpose of even having a football team,” said Penn State University’s athletic director David Joyner.

Penn State accepted the penalties when they were presented to the university and NCAA president Mark Emmert called its cooperation “remarkable, especially for a bunch of awful child molesters.”

Emmert said that no punishment the NCAA could impose would change the damage done to those Sandusky abused, but “the culture, actions and inactions that allowed them to be victimized will not be tolerated in collegiate athletics.”

Sandusky was unavailable for comment because he is hopefully having his head slammed against a prison shower wall while being violently raped by gang members. Hopefully.

 

By Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter  http://twitter.com/kylescanlan