Spoon Jealous of Knife and Fork?

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WASHINGTON, DC — Reports are saying that Spoon is unhappy with the relationship between Knife and Fork, as sources close to the utensils say they overheard Spoon calling their frequent usage together “unfair,” “exclusive,” and “elitist.” “Why are they always together?” Spoon is said to have asked, “What am I – chopped liver? Or is that a Fork/Knife thing too?”

Fork denied any inappropriate cross-placemat conspiracy, blaming Spoon’s lessened usage on the basic functionality of the Fork/Knife pairing and a decrease in soup consumption, saying, “I don’t make the decisions about the meals. If something needs to be stabbed and held with tines, I’ll stab it and hold it. Meat, vegetables, whatever. I’ll tine what I’m told to tine.” Elaborating on the relationship with Knife, Fork said, “Do I like working with Knife? Sure. But our relationship is strictly eating-based. I hold, Knife cuts – that’s it.”

Spoon-Knife relations reportedly soured earlier this month when Spoon was used to cut up a banana for breakfast cereal instead of Knife. Knife was rumored to have called Spoon a “Yogurt-slurping usurper,” whereas Spoon publically downplayed the whole incident, calling it “purely dishwashing-based.” On Wednesday, however, when pressed for comment about the state of interutensil relations, Spoon was quoted as saying “Fork, I’ll be here whenever you want to eat Spaghetti again or toss a salad; and Knife, as for you – you can go fuck yourself.” Knife could not be reached for comment.

Reporting by David Sharp. Twitter: @DavidAndSharp