Bodybuilder Finally Lifts Something Heavy Enough to Totally Prove He’s Not Gay

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MARION, Illi. — Amateur weightlifter Chris Wiscott broke his own personal record on Monday by deadlifting 505 lbs, a weight that he described as “totally enough to prove, once and for all, that I am totally, totally not gay.” While far from the world record of 1,015 lbs, Wiscott was very pleased with his new personal mark, calling it “a testament to what hard work, good eating eating and supplements, and being into the puss big-time can do.” “Big time,” he reiterated.

Wiscott performed his feat in the weight room of Vagiano’s Fitness Center, a place that has been “like a second home” to Wiscott. “I’m there five, seven days a week,” he said, describing his routine. “I like to come in, say hi to everybody and horse around a little. Then I shower up, do some hard sets, spot some bros, talk lifting, and do a few more hard sets. Then I shower down, say bye to everybody, horse around a little more, and go back to the apartment to read ‘lifting magazines.”

When asked of his future plans, Wiscott said, “I need to work on my squats, my snatch, and my clean and jerk, but I just crossed the 500 lb barrier for the first time, and right now I feel like the sky’s the limit. I think that if I keep working, I could cross that 600 lb threshold and that, for sure, would once and for all, definitively, without question, prove to everyone that I am totally, totally, totally not, and never have been, a homosexual – in any capacity, ever, with anyone, anywhere, ever, at all… Maybe 700 lbs.”

Reporting by David Sharp. Twitter: @davidandsharp