2014 Voted ‘Year Of The White People’ By Themselves Magazine


WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — According to a recent poll conducted at the end of December by Themselves magazine, 2014 should be remembered as the “Year of the White People.”

The survey was done by the magazine as part of their Best of 2014 issue.

“We take great pride in synthesizing data and news stories each calendar year,” said Themselves editor Bradley Pearson. “It just so happens that, again this year, white people had the biggest breakthroughs and reached the highest milestones.”

Some white people highlights of 2014, as gathered by Themselves, include the following:

  •  The St. Louis Cardinals finished first in the National League’s Central division for the second straight year during a tumultuous stretch of games that started August 8. Perhaps more importantly, the Cardinals’ $65.2 million operating income was the highest of all MLB teams.
  • Most of the nominees for the 87th Academy Awards.
  • Walmart recorded $129 billion in annual revenue for the year, despite being found guilty of wage theft in several states and the bad publicity that followed when a white woman died of a heart attack in a Beavercreek, Ohio store after being frightened by a non-white man with a BB gun.
  • The top 40 finishers in the Ironman Triathlon were all white, except for two Brazilians and one Spanish guy that could pass, according to Themselves sports editor Chris “Boomer” Berman. The Ironman Triathlon is widely recognized as the best competition for athletes that can afford to buy $20,000 bicycles.
  • Over 8,000 people died from the Ebola virus in 2014, but most of those were in Africa. Of the four people diagnosed with Ebola in the US, the only one who died was a Liberian man, who, if you can believe it, was named Thomas Eric Duncan.
  • Finding opportunity in unusual places defined several white business owners in 2014. The most entrepreneurial being the South Bend Uniform Company, which made headlines for selling shirts that state “Breathe Easy: Obey the Law” ostensibly supporting police officers amid backlash against their enforcement of cigarette taxation laws. [Editor’s note: LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS NOW AVAILABLE!]

While 2014 was another banner year for white people, several events set the palest race back, mainly the ongoing Obama presidency and the continuing implementation of The Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act, the magazine found.

“By no means was 2014 the best year for white people,” according to Themselves’ Pearson, “It certainly doesn’t hold a candle to 1946, the purest year of American baseball, or 1951, when Nutella was invented.”

Of the polls’ 2,500 respondents, 99% identified as white.  The one percent that did not indicate their race checked the “other” box, the only option available for non-whites.

Ken Barnard won his fantasy football league this year, all by himself.

Image by James Webb