15 Wound-Up In Overnight Shoutings In Chicago Suburbs

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PALATINE, Ill. — At least 15 people, including one 12-year-old boy, were left wound-up in several shoutings across suburban Chicago last night, according to authorities.

Police say the frothy states of indignation were triggered by the usual suspects: Verbal spats over family inheritances, golfing abilities, and the proper length of residential lawns.

“It’s the same emotional violence we see every night,” said Palatine Police Sergeant Stan Comfort. “As the weather warms, arguments over grass length and golf games will only increase.”

Last night’s altercations bolstered the suburbs’ reputation as an unsafe place for well-reasoned discourse.

“That’s why I don’t travel to the suburbs,” said Bronzeville resident Reginald Jackson. “It’s just not a welcome environment for pleasant conversations.”

“I’m not saying certain people are more prone to senseless arguments over tennis lessons,” said Jackson. “I just think the facts speak for themselves.”

John Clark‘s parents live in the Chicago suburbs and it breaks his heart.

Image by ABC7Chicago.