12 Things Only People With Giant Penises Will Understand


People with giant penises, though at times outwardly recognizable, often cope with difficulties that are invisible to the larger society. Any of these may sound familiar if you’re a true Giant Penis Haver.


1. You constantly have to look outward for motivation


People with giant penises often lack ambition due to their being completely internally satisfied with themselves every time they think of or glance down at their giant penis. It’s sometimes hard to focus on having a great career or achieving recognition.

2. Driving is more difficult


Even a routine task like driving a car, which would be easy for most people to pull off can become a difficulty, especially if the car is a coupe or a small sedan. The steering wheel can sometimes be obstructed by your giant penis, or by the person who is likely fellating you while you drive, making it difficult to steer.

3. Walking around can be a pain


Just ask Jon Hamm! When you can’t find underwear that fit and you only wear relaxed chinos, your giant penis is certain to catch the eye of freelance photographers and autograph hounds.

4.  It makes math hard


Even doing simple arithmetic, such as calculating a tip, can be difficult when you have a big ol’ penis.

5. Gym anxiety


Locker rooms are a source of worry and stress for most everyone. But add to that the fear of getting your hog caught in the recumbent bike. Embarrassing!

6. Texts from every ex-girlfriend at all hours of the night

text iphone

Getting a good, uninterrupted night’s sleep is just as important to those with giant penises as those without.

7. Poor swimming times


Face it. You’re less aerodynamic than most other people. Larger penis means larger drag coefficient, resulting in freestyle times that you will be less than pleased with.

8. People expect you to be great in bed


You definitely are great in bed. But that’s not the point. The point is they expect it, and that’s not really fair.

9. Grower Envy


How many times a day do you stop and think “Wow, life would be way easier if I weren’t a Shower but were instead a Grower?”

10. You’ll never be President


There’s no specific rule about it in the Constitution, but there has never been a President with a giant penis. It is highly unlikely that you would make it out of the primaries.

11. People assume you’re an asshole


When people inevitably learn you have a giant penis they will assume that you’re an asshole or are hugely deficient in some other way. It hurts to be judged like that, especially when it’s not true. You’re a smart, funny, generous man with a good job who also happens to have a massive cock.

12. You can’t own a sports car

sports car

Sports cars are really cool to have, but as a guy with a giant penis you aren’t really allowed to have one.


This list was written by Cole Moser. Again, Cole Moser wrote this. Cole. Moser.

Images by flickr, subtrain.