Hats. We’ve all fallen for at least one. I know I have. If you haven’t, do me a favor and rethink your dating history.
But what qualifies as a hat and how do you know if you’re dating one?
1. They never do what they say they will. They don’t call when they say they will. They don’t show up when you ask them to. You frequently think they might be lost, then don’t even want them when you know where they are.
2. They are emotionless all of the time. They won’t talk to you and you don’t know why. There are long awkward silences that make you feel even worse about yourself. Are they an emotionless monster with no regard for your feelings whatsoever, or are they just a shaped covering for the head.
3. They’ll cheat on you with anyone that shows them attention. They cheat on you. They’d cheat right in front of you, on your birthday, with your best friend. That’s how little they care about your emotions. Why? Because they are a hat, and don’t ever forget that.
4. You try to break things off with them, but you just can’t get them to talk about it. Oh, you’ve tried to end this. You’ve said this is the last time you’ll ever talk about this, but they just won’t open up to you. Maybe it’s time to examine exactly why that is.
5. You suddenly get lice. You pray to God this doesn’t happen. When that doesn’t work you pray for God to help you to stop loving this hat that gave you lice.
6. You start doing things with your hair you said you’d never do. C’mon. You’re better than this!
7. You start wearing expensive jewelry to deflect attention from them. Walking into a room of your peers only to be greeted with a compliment about how great your hat is can be devastating. Just nod in agreement and move on.
8. You don’t even look at yourself in mirrors anymore. There once was a time you couldn’t help but look at yourself in every mirror you passed. You were happy and this all felt so exciting. Those were the days…
9. You read self-help books but feel like you’ll never be okay. You’ve tried and tried. In fact, there isn’t a single book you’ve skipped. Yet, somehow, this doesn’t feel okay. This relationship feels like it’s missing something.
10. You are unhappy all of the time. You feel sad, pathetic, and alone.
Kyle Scanlan is currently in a 5-year relationship with a snapback.
Image by Thom Wong.