Well, it finally happened. She’s gone and she’s not coming back this time. You’ve lost the person that meant the most to you in the entire world. That means one thing and one thing only: You’re about to find out how many close, personal friends of yours will absolutely have sex with your ex. Here’s a clue–there at least 10 and certainly enough to make you want to scream cry inside of a late night Wendy’s.
Let’s get started.
Rick – This one is pretty obvious. Rick had a crush on your girlfriend before you even knew her. Nothing ever happened, but now he’s a got a cool job and lives in a cool city and a lot of more confidence and has been absolutely waiting for this moment since the moment you started dating her. He’s gonna try, dude.
Carl – You guys met Carl together. You like Carl, you guys talk basketball. He is a nice guy. But he did leave his hand on your ex’s leg way too long one time,and that made you feel super uncomfortable but you didn’t wanna make a big deal about it, and now it’s way too late to bring it up and he is definitely going to try and have sex with your ex.
Robby – Why are you still friends with this guy? You know he would absolutely try. Robby is the fucking worst.
Greg – The first time Greg met your ex he asked you a bunch of weird and personal sex questions about her. He asked about what her nipples looked like and if she’d ever done that weird thing with her feet that he’s always trying to get girls to do. You pretended to be looking at Twitter the whole time he was asking these questions and then tried to change the subject with an NBA trade rumor. Now he’s going to try to answer all of those questions for himself.
Tommy – Tommy was way too familiar with your ex from the start. You always got the impression that they knew each other or something before you dated her, but that’s impossible. You introduced them to one another and they said they had never met before, definitely did not go to a Deerhunter show together in 2010 and have sex in a Toyota Camry in the parking lot. They promised that didn’t happen. But now it probably will.
Angela – Angela is your ex’s best friend. She’d stay over on the couch sometimes and not leave for the whole weekend. She made herself at home and that’s probably because she lives in your old home now.
Nikki – Nikki always complimented your ex to the point of where it was uncomfortable for anyone around. She’d throw in the occasional slap on the ass. Then they went on that weird trip together like right after you broke up? Dude, she is definitely going to try to sleep with your ex. She probably already tried.
Veronica – Veronica is really quiet but it’s the quiet ones that you should worry about. What is she hiding? Probably that she wants to fuck your ex.
Tessa – Your ex moved in with her right after you broke up. They made out once in college and then one more time like two years ago when they were drunk, and then another time like six months ago for really no reason at all.
Your mom – Your mom always liked your ex. She didn’t even delete her as a Facebook friend after you broke up and you’ve caught her commenting on her photos more than one time. C’mon, Mom. If you bring her to Thanksgiving, I will lose my goddamn mind.
Kyle Scanlan is really sorry, dude.