The Whiskey Journal

By Andy Boyle

CHICAGO — Despite countless studies showing smoking tobacco cigarettes to be disastrous for your health, smoking is still pretty fucking cool, according to a new study.

“We can hardly believe this shit,” said Dr. Meg Stinson, the head of the National Cancer Institute, who lead the study. “Smoking can cause cancer, will probably shave off decades from your life and is a large reason for why healthcare is so expensive in America, but I’ll be goddamned if you don’t look cooler than Miles Davis when you got one of them cancer sticks in your mouth.”

She continued: “Fuck, I could go for a ciggie right now.”

The study followed more than 4,300 people during a 15-year period, determining that while still one of the worst things you can do to yourself, people who stopped or reduced the amount they smoked saw a rapid decrease in how cool they were.

“I know each drag introduces toxins into my body that can affect my liver, pancreas and kidneys, not to mention destroy the structure of my lungs,” said 23-year-old bartender Philip Matherson. “Yet each time I breathe in I know everyone around me thinks I’m the goddamn Fonz reborn.”

In related news, a similar study said eating a Whopper still makes you look goddamn disgusting.

Follow @andymboyle on Twitter.

By John Clark

TULSA, OK – To combat the rising tide of bullying, one innovative high school has enacted a “zero tolerance” policy to force the cool kids to tolerate the losers.

“Our school is half zeroes, half winners,” said Mike Smith, the principal at Union High School. “So we think this policy is our best shot at social harmony.”

Under the new rules, students with healthy social reputations will have to “acknowledge the existence of” the pimpled, introverted, and gifted students that make up Union’s lower caste.

The rules, however, do not force the cool kids to “engage in outside social activities” with the zeroes. They simply require a “minimal degree of tolerance,” according to Smith.

“Look, we’re not forcing the baseball team to hang with the spazzes from the bad part of town,” said Smith. “We just want the jocks to recognize the freaks’ presence.”

Early reviews have been positive. “Zack Thomas nodded at me this morning,” said Sid Twitch, wiping snot from a very red nose. “It was incredible.”

“Ya, I nodded at the kid,” confirmed Thomas, massaging his bicep. “Rules is rules.” Thomas then slapped his very attractive girlfriend on the rear end and offered this reporter a high five.

The reporter quickly accepted the offer.

John Clark can’t believe how easy kids have it these days.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

By Andy Boyle

BOULDER, COLO. — The tight, moisture-wicking Under Armour shirt Dave Toffler wore to the gym Tuesday made him totally look like an actual athlete, according to reports.

“I first noticed it while I was staring in the mirror while doing some free weight bicep curls,” said Toffler, a 28-year-old stockbroker. “I thought, ‘Wow. I look ripped. Like Tim Tebow, or even an earlier career Brett Favre.’”

Many patrons took double or triple-takes when seeing Toffler, mistaking the Under Armour-wearing man as perhaps a member of the Broncos, or maybe even one of the Rockies. At the very least, he probably played college sports somewhere, which Toffler claims he does not.

“Wow,” said Under Armor Creative Director Terry Friedman when shown photos of Toffler. “We really nailed it.”

He continued: “You really sure he doesn’t play for the Denver Nuggets? Or the Colorado Avalanche?”

Toffler said he’s planning on buying a pair of nice golf clubs, just to see if someone mistakes him for a PGA Tour member.

Andy Boyle hasn’t worked out since 2011. Follow him on Twitter at @andymboyle.

By Bronwyn Isaac

The 20s are the most important time of your life if you are in your 20s! Your 20s are when you consume sriracha smothered burgers with less heartburn, you call sexual relations “hooking up” without sounding like an ecstasy toting adulterer, and you won’t deal with personal critique because self-absorption is the best kind of earplug.  The 20s are also a key time to sell prescription drugs, have sex with people that don’t read, and post unedited blog entries in hopes of getting book deals.

 The struggle is real, the jobs are elusive fantasies and the drama is higher than your friend who tapes Adult Swim. A commonly dark but unspoken truth of your 20s is that you will do many stupid actions that logically should cause death.

Without further adieu, here are ten ways The Whiskey Journal believes you should avoid dying in your 20s!

1. Challenging A Neighborhood Gang Member To A Fight To Impress The Attractive Bartender

Gangs are formed because of complex reasons involving systemic oppression in economic dead-end neighborhoods, the need for a family unit, and rampant cycles of violence. You are just trying to get laid. Street Fighter doesn’t count as sufficient training. If you are in a gang, do you tonight, you need a night off.

2. Parkour At The Mall

Although the mall has various counters, pedestrian rails, tables, small children, and occasional chandeliers, the risks involved in doing parkour in such a crowded area greatly outweigh the advantages. Stick to skate parks where the band-aids are as common as the AC/DC t-shirts.

3. Rebounding With Casey Anthony

As a prominent female criminal she may seem attractive as a progressive, but her carefree spirit will soon descend upon your flesh and the flesh of the unborn (and born) all around you.

4. Playing A Jersey Shore Drinking Game With Four Loko

The Situation reveals his abs, take a chug, Snooki cries, take a chug. All of New Jersey face palms - take a chug. You don’t want to be found this way.

5. Dressing Like Free Willy And Jumping In The Ocean

All of us miss the 1990s. All of us wish we could purify the ocean and speak whale, but there are safer forms of self-expression.

6. Snorting The Remains Of Former Family Homes In Detroit

Just wait fifteen years and those homes will be reconstructed into Mcdonalds franchises, looming over the depressed and already gentrified neighborhoods that slowly built themselves back into economic soundness only to be further oppressed by corporate opportunists. Basically, don’t snort future Mcdonalds, that’s just embarrassing.

7. Juggling Torches In A Play

I mean, why are you juggling torches if you’re not a master?

8.  Not Sleeping For A Week Because You Are On Drugs And Think You Are A Genius   

Geniuses need to sleep and be alive in order to leave their legacy to the hungry future generations. Your eyes are beginning to resemble shat on windshields. Shut it down.

9.  Strategically Placing Dead Rats On Your Neck While You Fall Asleep Next To Your Bitter, Homicidal Pet Snake

Snakes are pretty cool, but sometimes they want to eat you when you are baiting them with rats and haven’t fed them for days. Boundaries must be drawn with pet snakes, just as they are drawn with human people.

10. Refusing To Eat Or Drink Water Until You Find True Love On OkCupid

It’s a battlefield out there, full of questionnaires and curated photos and people who will bore you into questioning your human need for sex. Keep on keepin’ on. Explore Facebook/Tumblr/Jdate/Blackpeoplemeet/ChristianMingle/PlentyofFish before fasting. Sometimes love helps those who help themselves to parmesan smattered spaghetti in patient isolation.

Bronwyn Isaac wishes you longevity so she can invite you to TRL karaoke parties in 40 years

By John Clark

THE HOLY ETHER – After several unhappy months in Heaven, Steve Jobs is leaving the popular celestial realm to create iNirvana, a “sleeker, bolder afterlife” that allows users to personalize their eternal lifestyles.

Jobs’ abrupt departure confirms rumors of discord between Jobs and God, the creator of Heaven, which has dominated the afterlife market for 2,000 years.

Wearing his trademark turtledove tunic, Jobs used a telepathic slide show to introduce iNirvana to a floating throng of angel reporters.

“Heaven is an industry giant, sure. But its creator grew complacent,” said Jobs, referring to his friend-turned-rival, God. “Consumers deserve more options when choosing an ethereal home.”

Jobs’ departure is the latest public relations disaster for Heaven, which faces an unholy amount of anti-faith lawsuits claiming it has monopolized the afterlife.

But a new commercial featuring God reminds freshly departed souls that Heaven is the chosen afterlife of “Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and Ghandi, though he’d never admit it.”

In a press release, God wished Jobs “the best of luck in his new venture,” but reminded dead consumers that “Heaven will be waiting for them when iNirvana fails to meet expectations.”

John Clark can’t wait to see his friends in iNirvana.

CHICAGO — Following Chicago’s 100th murder of the year, as has been the promotion for years, residents of the city were awarded with a free Big Mac from McDonald’s.

The 100th murder in Chicago happened last Thursday night when a 23-year-old man was shot to death for being outside on a weekday, according to authorities.

“Losing my son has been one of the hardest things in the world,”  said the victim’s mother. ”But who doesn’t love free food? Especially it’s a Big Mac! I’m loving it!”

No official word yet on whether or not the victim’s family will be upgraded to a combo meal free of charge.  

Written by terrified resident of Chicago, Kyle Scanlan. Follow Kyle on Twitter at @kylescanlan.

LOS ANGELES — After receiving heavy criticism for using Kickstarter to finance his new $2 million film “Wish I Was Here”, actor and director Zach Braff has stepped forward and admitted that he was drunk when he made the Kickstarter and has “plenty of money”, according to sources.

“This is embarrassing for everyone involved,” said the 38 year-old actor. “I’ve wanted to make this film for a long time and I appreciate my fans support, but I’m fucking rich. Have you seen how many times a day Scrubs is on TV?” “Even the janitor has money.”

Braff’s 2 million dollar Kickstarter goal was reached in just three days. The film was financed by more than 33,000 people, with the majority of the money coming from Braff himself.

“Once I realized what I had done, I just got my debit card out and pledged the rest of the money,” said the former Scrubs star. “I’d like to thank the over 30,000 people that pledged money to support my new film, but let’s be honest, I paid for most of it.”

Braff plans on using the extra money from the Kickstarter on appletinis, which will more than likely result in another Kickstarter campaign from Braff.

Written by Kyle Scanlan

Follow Kyle on Twitter: https://twitter.com/kylescanlan

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — The Landry family has been pushing for a finished basement for seven years. They say putting drywall and insulation down there would greatly reduce their utility bills. It would also allow them to put a little ambiance around their pool table such as a wet bar and a flat-screen TV with a Nintendo Wii. “This pool table was given to us by my father-in-law three years ago. But it looks terrible sitting in an unfinished basement. I want to be able to relax down there, or have a party, or watch a game,” says Bill Landry, the primary sponsor of the initiative. 

The Landry family’s proposal was stalled twice over the last seven years due to the house expressing concern that “these ‘improvements’ will likely involve compromising the structural integrity of an already unstable foundation.” 

The house agreed to Bill’s renovations Monday on the condition that the house will have the ultimate say on which contractor is used. “I’ve dealt with Bills like this before,” says the house. “What this Bill wants to do is make life more convenient with no consideration for the future of the house.”

(Above: Bill Landry standing with house to be renovated)

Pending the selection of a reputable contractor, the Landry family hopes to begin renovations by mid-May, and have everything completed by the end of June. “This is going to be better for everyone, especially the house. We already have color schemes picked out and everything,” claims Landry.

Ross Kelly is The Whiskey Journal’s foremost authority on government

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