The Whiskey Journal

By Bronwyn Isaac

Chicago, IL – It was with great regret that Andrea Dorf’s fetus relayed last Saturday’s baby shower.

“It was underwhelming, to say the least,” the fetus lamented through gut kicks, then describing the horror of its mother being measured and wrapped in toilet paper, only moments later to be heard eating melted chocolate bars out of diapers.

 “They half-melted an assortment of candy bars to resemble feces and then lapped them up like dogs to test their chocolate trivia. I felt so embarrassed, is this the image I’ve been projecting?”

 The fetus admitted that although there are risks in consuming alcohol during pregnancy, an open bar would’ve greatly improved the spirits of the party, as well as given Andrea Dorf better faking abilities when opening the putrid green “Boss Dog” onesie.

 “At one point they competed to see which woman could melt baby-shaped ice cubes fastest. How is that supposed to make me feel welcome as an individual approaching infancy?”

 Despite overall disappointment and boredom at the party, the fetus remains positive about the upcoming water birth, claiming there are less foreseeable ways to make that square.

Bronwyn Isaac doesn’t want to measure your stomach unless you provide a hot toddy and Ted Danson is relaying her with Cheers anecdotes.

By Rob Gregory, @GregRobbery

CHICAGO, IL — Rick Samuelson, a deceased druggist from Chicago, has had no difficulty through the years expunging unwanted visitors  from his South Side abode. That is, until recent tenant, Alan Thin and his family moved into the home.

The apparition is finding it increasingly difficult to haunt, scare, or even make his presence known in the cluttered bungalow, which has fallen prey to Alan’s hoarding habit.

As a result of the disorder, Thin has stockpiled an excess of old furniture, newspapers, toys, tools, and other household items, strewn randomly about the home. Samuelson wants the family to vacate the premises, but will settle on the hoard’s removal, which has taken its toll on Thin’s own family members.

“I tried to throw a lamp across the room, but literally couldn’t move it 5 inches. To make matters worse, I turn around and this neglected toddler is wheezing in the corner from whatever dust and bacteria is present. It’s gross.”

While the ghost is impervious to earthly maladies, Samuelson said he’s also had difficulty “breathing” lately, which he acknowledged sounds absurd, and probably a psychological effect of the dilapidated home.

The 134 year old, formerly of Englewood, made a futile attempt to frighten the unwanted inhabitants last Tuesday when the children left for school. His “boos” quickly turned into “ewws” after noticing a growing pile of excrement, deposited by a missing and feared dead dog, Petey.

Rick stated he’d like to make contact with Thin via seance, just to confront him on his condition, but doesn’t think he’d be able to connect through the clutter.

“You need to be able to sit at these types of things. There isn’t enough room for 1 person let alone 5. My decaying body could be hidden in the mess, even propped up on top of it, and I don’t think they’d notice.”

Samuelson sought solace in the words of American Statesman Ben Franklin, saying “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days,” and upon reflection said “I’ll take the fish.”

Find out more about Rob’s otherworldly experiences on Nickelodeon’s “Are You Afraid of that Waiter with a Ponytail.” 

by Tim Barnes (@timbarnes451)

This weekend, Kim Jong-un walked onto a lavish stage for North Korea’s first ever correspondents dinner. With a string of one-liners and zingers fully memorized, he felt prepared for a night of light hearted fun. However, each of the supreme leaders jokes got stoney silence from the audience.

“Is it something I said?” said the giggling Jong-un, “Or is it the fact that my soldiers have guns pointed at each of your heads, hahahaha.”

Still nothing.

One highlight of the night was special guest, Billy Crystal, who also bombed continuously. 

Somehow, watching the American comedic legend struggle on stage brought Jong-un great pleasure. The audience was still pretty tough to read though.

At one point, Billy Crystal, desperate for laughs, stopped his prepared routine mid-sentence, and began running in circles yelling “AY CARAMBA!”

Still nothing.

After the show, one audience member was quoted as saying, “I had an excellent time. All of the jokes really landed, and it’s probably the most I’ve ever laughed. Americans are soooo funny.”

BURBANK, Calif. — NBC and Jay Leno have inked a deal in which the Tonight Show host’s severance will be paid entirely in denim, according to entertainment sources, 

“The guy [Leno] just wouldn’t budge,” said Robert Greenblatt, chairman of NBC Entertainment, saying the bargain was reached after weeks of intense but private negations between Mr. Leno and NBC executives. “No matter how much we offered he just wanted more and more [denim].”

Per the agreement, Mr. Leno — upon his scheduled exit in winter 2014— will have 750, 1o yard bolts, approximately five pallets worth, of light blue denim fabric delivered to his Hollywood Hills home.

“That’s more than four miles of denim, “ said Danica Driller, a denim expert and self-described horse lover. “It’s enough to make over 15,000 jackets, or, if you like, 25,000 vests.”

She continued: “All in all, a huge victory for Jay and the denim community at large.”

Along with being the preferred fabric for Canadian formal wear, denim has been widely used in the US since the Civil War.

“It’s very versatile,” Driller said. “Jay will have a hard time not finding uses for it.”

Leno couldn’t be reached for comment, but those close to him are suspecting this all stems from the comedian’s life long dream to build a car completely out of denim.

Submission by Josh Huber  @jfhuber11

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By Andy Boyle

CHICAGO — Despite countless studies showing smoking tobacco cigarettes to be disastrous for your health, smoking is still pretty fucking cool, according to a new study.

“We can hardly believe this shit,” said Dr. Meg Stinson, the head of the National Cancer Institute, who lead the study. “Smoking can cause cancer, will probably shave off decades from your life and is a large reason for why healthcare is so expensive in America, but I’ll be goddamned if you don’t look cooler than Miles Davis when you got one of them cancer sticks in your mouth.”

She continued: “Fuck, I could go for a ciggie right now.”

The study followed more than 4,300 people during a 15-year period, determining that while still one of the worst things you can do to yourself, people who stopped or reduced the amount they smoked saw a rapid decrease in how cool they were.

“I know each drag introduces toxins into my body that can affect my liver, pancreas and kidneys, not to mention destroy the structure of my lungs,” said 23-year-old bartender Philip Matherson. “Yet each time I breathe in I know everyone around me thinks I’m the goddamn Fonz reborn.”

In related news, a similar study said eating a Whopper still makes you look goddamn disgusting.

Follow @andymboyle on Twitter.

By John Clark

TULSA, OK – To combat the rising tide of bullying, one innovative high school has enacted a “zero tolerance” policy to force the cool kids to tolerate the losers.

“Our school is half zeroes, half winners,” said Mike Smith, the principal at Union High School. “So we think this policy is our best shot at social harmony.”

Under the new rules, students with healthy social reputations will have to “acknowledge the existence of” the pimpled, introverted, and gifted students that make up Union’s lower caste.

The rules, however, do not force the cool kids to “engage in outside social activities” with the zeroes. They simply require a “minimal degree of tolerance,” according to Smith.

“Look, we’re not forcing the baseball team to hang with the spazzes from the bad part of town,” said Smith. “We just want the jocks to recognize the freaks’ presence.”

Early reviews have been positive. “Zack Thomas nodded at me this morning,” said Sid Twitch, wiping snot from a very red nose. “It was incredible.”

“Ya, I nodded at the kid,” confirmed Thomas, massaging his bicep. “Rules is rules.” Thomas then slapped his very attractive girlfriend on the rear end and offered this reporter a high five.

The reporter quickly accepted the offer.

John Clark can’t believe how easy kids have it these days.

Buy tickets to our upcoming show, The Whiskey Journal Live!, every Wednesday in May at Fizz Bar.

By Andy Boyle

BOULDER, COLO. — The tight, moisture-wicking Under Armour shirt Dave Toffler wore to the gym Tuesday made him totally look like an actual athlete, according to reports.

“I first noticed it while I was staring in the mirror while doing some free weight bicep curls,” said Toffler, a 28-year-old stockbroker. “I thought, ‘Wow. I look ripped. Like Tim Tebow, or even an earlier career Brett Favre.’”

Many patrons took double or triple-takes when seeing Toffler, mistaking the Under Armour-wearing man as perhaps a member of the Broncos, or maybe even one of the Rockies. At the very least, he probably played college sports somewhere, which Toffler claims he does not.

“Wow,” said Under Armor Creative Director Terry Friedman when shown photos of Toffler. “We really nailed it.”

He continued: “You really sure he doesn’t play for the Denver Nuggets? Or the Colorado Avalanche?”

Toffler said he’s planning on buying a pair of nice golf clubs, just to see if someone mistakes him for a PGA Tour member.

Andy Boyle hasn’t worked out since 2011. Follow him on Twitter at @andymboyle.

By Bronwyn Isaac

The 20s are the most important time of your life if you are in your 20s! Your 20s are when you consume sriracha smothered burgers with less heartburn, you call sexual relations “hooking up” without sounding like an ecstasy toting adulterer, and you won’t deal with personal critique because self-absorption is the best kind of earplug.  The 20s are also a key time to sell prescription drugs, have sex with people that don’t read, and post unedited blog entries in hopes of getting book deals.

 The struggle is real, the jobs are elusive fantasies and the drama is higher than your friend who tapes Adult Swim. A commonly dark but unspoken truth of your 20s is that you will do many stupid actions that logically should cause death.

Without further adieu, here are ten ways The Whiskey Journal believes you should avoid dying in your 20s!

1. Challenging A Neighborhood Gang Member To A Fight To Impress The Attractive Bartender

Gangs are formed because of complex reasons involving systemic oppression in economic dead-end neighborhoods, the need for a family unit, and rampant cycles of violence. You are just trying to get laid. Street Fighter doesn’t count as sufficient training. If you are in a gang, do you tonight, you need a night off.

2. Parkour At The Mall

Although the mall has various counters, pedestrian rails, tables, small children, and occasional chandeliers, the risks involved in doing parkour in such a crowded area greatly outweigh the advantages. Stick to skate parks where the band-aids are as common as the AC/DC t-shirts.

3. Rebounding With Casey Anthony

As a prominent female criminal she may seem attractive as a progressive, but her carefree spirit will soon descend upon your flesh and the flesh of the unborn (and born) all around you.

4. Playing A Jersey Shore Drinking Game With Four Loko

The Situation reveals his abs, take a chug, Snooki cries, take a chug. All of New Jersey face palms - take a chug. You don’t want to be found this way.

5. Dressing Like Free Willy And Jumping In The Ocean

All of us miss the 1990s. All of us wish we could purify the ocean and speak whale, but there are safer forms of self-expression.

6. Snorting The Remains Of Former Family Homes In Detroit

Just wait fifteen years and those homes will be reconstructed into Mcdonalds franchises, looming over the depressed and already gentrified neighborhoods that slowly built themselves back into economic soundness only to be further oppressed by corporate opportunists. Basically, don’t snort future Mcdonalds, that’s just embarrassing.

7. Juggling Torches In A Play

I mean, why are you juggling torches if you’re not a master?

8.  Not Sleeping For A Week Because You Are On Drugs And Think You Are A Genius   

Geniuses need to sleep and be alive in order to leave their legacy to the hungry future generations. Your eyes are beginning to resemble shat on windshields. Shut it down.

9.  Strategically Placing Dead Rats On Your Neck While You Fall Asleep Next To Your Bitter, Homicidal Pet Snake

Snakes are pretty cool, but sometimes they want to eat you when you are baiting them with rats and haven’t fed them for days. Boundaries must be drawn with pet snakes, just as they are drawn with human people.

10. Refusing To Eat Or Drink Water Until You Find True Love On OkCupid

It’s a battlefield out there, full of questionnaires and curated photos and people who will bore you into questioning your human need for sex. Keep on keepin’ on. Explore Facebook/Tumblr/Jdate/Blackpeoplemeet/ChristianMingle/PlentyofFish before fasting. Sometimes love helps those who help themselves to parmesan smattered spaghetti in patient isolation.

Bronwyn Isaac wishes you longevity so she can invite you to TRL karaoke parties in 40 years